More is usually better. Except when it comes to relationships.

So, really, I should be thankful for what I have. Great family, wonderful education, food, a house. All that. And I am. I also have a boy who loves me. Actually, truly, bonafide loves me. This is great. Except I don't know if I love him. Nor do I know if I love the other boy. What is it with me and other boys? I have a great, wonderful, amazing boyfriend who most girls would kill to have and yet I stray. This has happened, oh, three times now. So does this mean that I don't love Mark? You'd think that if you love someone you don't want to be with anyone but them and you wouldn't want anyone else. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? So why do I keep going through wonderful boys who anyone would be lucky to have? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I get scared so I find a reason to end it.

It doesn't help that I've somewhat convinced myself that things with Mark are going to end anyway. He's going to move away in May and I'm not going to follow nor am I going to do long distance. So where does that leave us? Buggered. So why am I delaying the inevitable? If we're going to break up anyway then why are we still together? Shouldn't I do it sooner rather than later to minimize pain? Maybe on some level I do love Mark. I was so incredibly happy at the beginning. I mean just read the posts. I remember being joyous that I'd found this amazing guy who I could spent the rest of my life with. But then Dave came along and it all went out the window. I mean I'm still happy when I'm with Mark but not the joyous wonderful exploding happy I was before. That said I don't know if I'm that way with Dave either. The sex with Mark is better but presently Dave and I have more to talk about. I probably should just drop both of them, wash my hands of it and start afresh. But with Sara leaving in May and Tim infinitely caught up in his life and his girlfriend that leaves me with no one. I tried to tell Dave we couldn't see each other anymore and I broke down into tears. Maybe it's the hormones and the fact that I'm just being silly and emotional.

I just want to find a nice boy who's smart, well off and loves me for who I am. And who I love. I think it's that latter part that seems to be the problem. I come across plenty of nice boys who are smart (Mark), well off (Dave) and love me for who I am (Mark and Dave) but for some strange reason they aren't boys who I can love. Maybe I'm incapable of love. I know, I know, you aren't supposed to find love this early in your life. But, really, can I just go through my life having relationships that aren't fulfilling?

Dammit, maybe I should have held off on the sex with both of them. Maybe that would have made things better. Probably not.

So that leaves me with a boyfriend who is definitely better than anyone else I've dated who I'm going to have to break up with in May and another guy who seems to be head over heels for me who is just waiting until I'm free again so he can swoop in. But, really, I don't know if I want to be with either of them for any length of time. So what do I do? Continue on the way I'm going and hope that I get some kind of sign as to which one I'm supposed to pick, even if it's neither.

I guess nothing's perfect

Usually I'm really into sex. Especially the off week where all I want is sex. Except tonight the sex just seemed ... monotonous. Mark and I had this discussion before sex about traveling to Europe after he's finished his degree. He wants to go for 2 months in the summer. Admittedly, it's not something I ever thought I'd be able to do. And I am a bit scared about the whole 'not speaking the language' part of it. But I think it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. It just means that I have to start saving, uh, now. Anyway, so we were all happy about how this is it and it's the one relationship (blah blah blah) and the sex SHOULD HAVE been amazing. But it wasn't. Now sex on Wednesday was amazing. So we know that we're capable of amazing sex (not that that really was ever a discussion) but I just wanted him to come so he could finish and we could stop. I don't know what was wrong. After we eventually stopped, Mark offered to just lie with me for a bit so I took him up on it but within ten minutes I was ready to just go home. I just wanted MY bed with MY sheets and MY pillows that I don't have to share with anyone. August long is going to be interesting because we'll have to fall asleep in the same bed. However, it will be a larger bed. So it should be okay. We were okay that night we stayed at his cousins. And on Wednesday. I guess every couple has an 'off' night. I'm just not used to it.

Maybe I wasn't right about this...

Oooh, two in one day. Wowie.

So was studying with Mark this evening and got talking. Mark's trying to find a place to live because he wants out of UBC housing (long rant). He said that if he didn't find a place by June 15 he was just going to move back up to Kamloops. I sat and said nothing but inwardly went "what?? kamloops??? am I not enough to keep you in Vancouver??". I don't know if he said it to see my reaction but I doubt that, boys aren't that manipulative. Still, I was surprised. Oh, and then he made mention of "if this relationship ever becomes serious..." What are we doing? Just in it for the sex (actually, I'd be okay with that, provided last night was a one off). Again, it made me stop and think. Maybe this is just a casual relationship. And if it is, does that mean I can date other people? Or does that mean it's not going to last? Summer fling? I kinda wish he hadn't said that. I also kinda wish I had taken more time with him. I realized that all we really do is go to school together and sleep together. Kind of a different relationship if you ask me. And every time we try and do something, we either decided we're too tired or we're too late or whatever. Makes me wonder if I should shake things up. Oh, and if all that wasn't enough, it looks like we're going to continue the week of seeing the ex-boyfriends. I have lunch with Andrew on Tuesday.

Two isn't always better than one

So I'd always read articles about women talking about sex being boring and how you just look at the ceiling and wait until it's over while going over your grocery list, your to-do list and what clothes need to be taken to the cleaners. I'd never had that happen to me until last night. I don't know what the problem was. I'm tempted to chalk it up to the hormones interferring with my sex drive but I wonder if it was something else. Mark was grumpy when I got there and, despite my attempts, never really improved in mood. Now, I understand that he's got a lot to deal with - we both do. But I was almost tempted to just cancel the date before it happened. It was too hot out and I just didn't quite get the vibe from him that I have previous. So we eventually got onto the sex and couldn't get a position that worked. It just seemed ... monotinous. We both fell asleep after and, at 1:30, I woke up and left. Usually it's a difficult decision to leave or stay but, somehow, this time it was easy. I wanted back into my bed which was bigger than Mark's twin with cotton sheets and nice pillows. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with him, I just didn't want to be there. The whole 'res room' thing kind of bothers me. It's so small, I never know where to sit or what to do. And the bed really isn't designed to fit one let alone two so one of you ends up being uncomfortable.

And, if that wasn't enough, the night before James and I talked for an hour and a half about us. It's the first time I've ever seen him show any kind of emotion or wanting. It almost felt me feel wanted and needed. Almost. But when I kissed him it was nothing like kissing Mark. Maybe there's more physical chemistry with Mark. Well, scratch the maybe. But I wonder if James' interests run closer to my own. Mark has my parents and Sara in his column while James has my best friend in his column. I just don't know which column I fall into. And, at the end of the day, that's what matters. I just have to decide where to put my line.

Were rules made to be broken?

So maybe rules were made to be broken. I didn't really care about the first two but I was royally pissed off at myself for breaking the third. Because breaking the third, really, not classy. But then today I stopped and thought about it. And I realized that with Mark, it was going to happen sooner or later. And, knowing us, it was going to happen sooner. So, really, if you know that it's going to happen, is breaking the third rule such a bad thing? I don't know what it makes me. Other than stupid. Stupid for falling head over heels in a week. A week. That's all it took. I didn't think it could happen this fast. And yet it did. With James, I ran from commitment. With Mark, I want nothing but. In all honesty, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He's all I could ever want. And, that amusing thing is, I have a feeling Mark is as head over heels for me as I am for him. Definitely a bad combination. I guess we have to wait and see.

Maybe this is a bad start

So, another boy, another blog?

There are three rules I usually work by when dealing with my romantic life.
1) Don't date engineers.
2) Don't date rugby players.
3) Don't sleep with someone before you've known them for a month.
And, in one shot, I broke all of them. Every single rule I established was shattered in one night.
He's motivated, intelligent, determined, successful, thoughtful, cute and good in bed to boot (at least something good came of breaking the third). I could be with him for a long long time and I don't think I'd ever get bored.
There's just one problem with the fairy tale. What if you already have a boyfriend?