More is usually better. Except when it comes to relationships.

So, really, I should be thankful for what I have. Great family, wonderful education, food, a house. All that. And I am. I also have a boy who loves me. Actually, truly, bonafide loves me. This is great. Except I don't know if I love him. Nor do I know if I love the other boy. What is it with me and other boys? I have a great, wonderful, amazing boyfriend who most girls would kill to have and yet I stray. This has happened, oh, three times now. So does this mean that I don't love Mark? You'd think that if you love someone you don't want to be with anyone but them and you wouldn't want anyone else. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? So why do I keep going through wonderful boys who anyone would be lucky to have? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I get scared so I find a reason to end it.

It doesn't help that I've somewhat convinced myself that things with Mark are going to end anyway. He's going to move away in May and I'm not going to follow nor am I going to do long distance. So where does that leave us? Buggered. So why am I delaying the inevitable? If we're going to break up anyway then why are we still together? Shouldn't I do it sooner rather than later to minimize pain? Maybe on some level I do love Mark. I was so incredibly happy at the beginning. I mean just read the posts. I remember being joyous that I'd found this amazing guy who I could spent the rest of my life with. But then Dave came along and it all went out the window. I mean I'm still happy when I'm with Mark but not the joyous wonderful exploding happy I was before. That said I don't know if I'm that way with Dave either. The sex with Mark is better but presently Dave and I have more to talk about. I probably should just drop both of them, wash my hands of it and start afresh. But with Sara leaving in May and Tim infinitely caught up in his life and his girlfriend that leaves me with no one. I tried to tell Dave we couldn't see each other anymore and I broke down into tears. Maybe it's the hormones and the fact that I'm just being silly and emotional.

I just want to find a nice boy who's smart, well off and loves me for who I am. And who I love. I think it's that latter part that seems to be the problem. I come across plenty of nice boys who are smart (Mark), well off (Dave) and love me for who I am (Mark and Dave) but for some strange reason they aren't boys who I can love. Maybe I'm incapable of love. I know, I know, you aren't supposed to find love this early in your life. But, really, can I just go through my life having relationships that aren't fulfilling?

Dammit, maybe I should have held off on the sex with both of them. Maybe that would have made things better. Probably not.

So that leaves me with a boyfriend who is definitely better than anyone else I've dated who I'm going to have to break up with in May and another guy who seems to be head over heels for me who is just waiting until I'm free again so he can swoop in. But, really, I don't know if I want to be with either of them for any length of time. So what do I do? Continue on the way I'm going and hope that I get some kind of sign as to which one I'm supposed to pick, even if it's neither.